an open letter to drunk girls

I guess this is more about ethics than anything else.

A couple of times now, I have been out at a party, and a very drunk woman has flirted with me, heavily (ending up sitting in my lap, stroking or grabbing at an arm and/or asking me to play with her hair), ending up disappointed with me for not going further.

Here's the deal: if you are drunk, I am absolutely not going to have sex with you unless I know, from what you've told me sober, that you are interested. And if you're too drunk or I'm too drunk, I'm not gonna have sex with you, either.

I suppose it's just because I want to know you're actually interested. I've been a few people's daring date, by which I mean the date you go out with just to fuck with someone's head, and I don't like it. Even with casual sex, I'd like you to have the balls to tell me yourself, sober. I don't like being told by rumor, I hate it when someone has to get falling down drunk to ask and I worry that I'll wake up in the morning, especially because I like BDSM, and that person will have decided that what I thought was play was actually assault.

No, thank you.

Slightly, very slightly tipsy, I don't mind as much (though I tend to not respond even then, because I worry I haven't read the person right. Some people are very good at appearing sober when they are blackout drunk. I am one of them.)

And, frankly, your erotic responses are better, despite popular opinion, when you are sober. I want to have sex with someone that curls their toes, makes them scream themselves hoarse, if they're the type or make little noises until I get that loud one that says I've done good enough to have made them forget to be inhibited. I want my lover, even if it's just a temporary arrangement, to remember me pleasantly or be shocked by me for days afterwards (preferably a mix of the two.) If the other person is so drunk they don't know half of what you're doing, the effect can be lost without pushing them until you could hurt them, something I am quite capable of but do not wish to do to someone until I am sure I understand what they want and can take. And I really, really don't want to bottom for someone who cannot stand up. I am oddly delicate in a few places that I won't have broken again.

Guess I don't do casual sex, then; I could totally do a friend, but I want to know them. Sex, for me, is a way of knowing. If I'm fucking someone, I can guarantee you I'll know at least a little of them by a few times, if not more than they might want me to. Perhaps this is my control side coming out, but I want to melt my lovers down, to make them feel remade. I want to get under their skin. I want them to be talking about me years later with a sheepishly awed expression. I have a variable success rate; sometimes my concentration and the chemistry is better than others, but I'll give it a damn good try.

Finally, I suppose, I find only being asked when the person is sloppy drunk to be disrespectful. It makes me wonder what they're ashamed of: me or their desires. I understand shame. I do. I just want them to come to me and talk about it. Never made fun of anyone in my life who came needing to talk. If they're too ashamed of me to ask sober, why bother? I have to be asked. Anything else is too much like taking advantage. (But for the record, a little begging makes me want to fuck someone sideways, in and out of the public eye, backwards, upside down, I don't care. I like and I don't care if it's PC, if other people think it's disrespectful or if people think it's misogynistic. Looks just as good on men as women. If, of course, I like the person.)

So please, everyone, try to fuck sober, or at least sober enough to know to use contraception or be safe. If you need to work up your courage, think hard about what you're doing and don't be afraid to talk to someone. Look around. There's bound to be someone else in the room, in the city, in your life who you can talk to. The more I know about lesbians, the more visible they become. They're more places than you might think. If you meet a woman in a bar you want to go home with, for the love of god, wait until you've sobered up to ask or go home with her.

And if you're asking me for sex, do not be drunk, cause I'll play with your hair and pet your head or get you home safely, but I will not fuck you. Well, not and respect myself in the morning. It has happened. I was sorry.